Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
