All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize