That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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