I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
