Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
