Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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