woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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