oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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