I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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