Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
