capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Randomize
