Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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