That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
