When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
