I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
