I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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