I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
