I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
