The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
