You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
