I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
