I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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