Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
