I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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