The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
