why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
