If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
