Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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