I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
