Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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