i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
