apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
