remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
