I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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