It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
