I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
