it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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