Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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