Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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