My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
