I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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