If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
