you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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