Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
