Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
