We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
