I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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