we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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