you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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