Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You smell like a Billy Joel song
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
