from now on my penis is your penis
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
