If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
