Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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