This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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