Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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