you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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