my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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