U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
