a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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