Your dad touched me again.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
