She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
