I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
